Attached to the Problem?

As humans we all become attached at some stage in our lives. As children we become attached to our parents and other caregivers. In this scenario, attachment is seen as extremely healthy and necessary for an infant to grow. According to Attachment theory[i] insecure attachments in childhood can be damaging to children throughout their lives.
As adults we may also have patterns of attachment, both at home and in the workplace. We can become attached in many ways. Attachments come in all shapes and forms. Sometimes we are attached to other people; sometimes we are attached to particular kinds of situations, or substances for example. Obsessive attachments as we know become addictions. When these kinds of attachments become obvious then we will often seek help.
In our personal lives one of the biggest attachments can be our partner, or our beliefs about the way our life should be. I remember coaching an immensely successful and caring man whose marriage had broken up. He was in absolute despair. He was depressed and many months after separation could not get back his motivation, or any zest for life. I suspected that he must miss his wife very much. Surely such depression had come about because he had felt as if he had lost the love of his life? No, he admitted he was no longer in love with his wife. He also felt that they were both in many ways better off without the marriage.
After a little while he admitted that a few years ago, he had fell in love with another woman. He had not pursued this love interest though, because he believed that marriage should last forever. At that time, his belief served him well and preserved a marriage which he realised had a solid base. But when his wife decided she no longer wanted to be in the marriage; a situation he had no control over. His belief became a big problem for him. His belief that marriage should last forever was literally sapping the life out of him. After a simple reframing of his belief he felt much more optimistic and accepting of his situation.
In the workplace, we can often become attached to a particular culture or a belief about the way things should be done. We can become attached to our perceptions of others and also about how relationships should look in the workplace. People who resist change are usually people who are attached to how things should be.
I have worked with organisations where leaders and managers have become attached to their viewpoints about their employees and their capabilities or lack of them. Or they become attached to an attitude or belief about the information they are receiving.
A number of years ago I worked with a manager, who believed that staff surveys were too much of a snapshot, they gave staff the opportunity to have a dig. They even had the view that only the staff that had a grudge filled in the survey, the more valued workers did not have time to fill in the survey: They were too busy doing “proper” work.
This manager was not a new or narrow minded leader as a rule. Indeed he was a specialist and a very credible senior manager. Despite attempts to try to give him a different insight, he preferred to be right and his view prevailed. His survey results never did improve.
In childhood attachment can bring certainty in an uncertain world. As adults, attachments can bring us pain and suffering, when we have to often with great resistance detach. Or we have to admit that we perhaps were thinking or believing amiss. We can exacerbate the very uncertainty we are trying to stave off.
Adult attachment in any form is unhealthy, whether it is a belief a person or a habit. Often we don’t even realise we are attached to something or someone, until we have to face physical, emotional, or intellectual change. An attachment is actually a reaction to fear. It’s also human nature, so it’s nothing to feel bad about!
So what is the answer? We all need to form relationships with people and situations. We need to build a framework of beliefs and ideas so we can function. Below are some of the ways we can better navigate through our lives.

• As we grow into adults we should recognise when we are attached to people and instead reframe this into healthy connections. Connection is a healthy way of relating without the fear base that attachment signifies. We can intimately connect with our very close relationships. As you connect with others you are freer and are more equal.
• If we are attached to objects and situations, for example your car or buying new dresses every month, or your home. In these situations attachments will only become painful when we are perhaps buying new dresses every month and we lose our job. Or our partner gets a new job and we have to move to Australia and this means giving up the family home. Then we need to reframe our relationship with these things. Explore other options and be open to something different. If we do this in advance of any change, then we keep our minds open and avoid unnecessary pain.
• We need to let go of our need to be right. Attachment to beliefs, attitudes and ideas can limit our life tremendously. Our reality is shaped by our beliefs. What we focus on becomes our world. By keeping an open mind and being prepared to examine our beliefs and thinking: being prepared to change them when necessary; we keep fresh and open to what life brings.
• And finally we can be purposefully positive. We need to recognise when we are being negative and how this might be limiting ourselves and others, in our lives and our workplaces. Holding onto negative views and conclusions will ultimately prove us right in the end

If we could recognise when we are attached and with kindness to ourselves relinquish our attachments and replace them with more caring and mindful alternatives, then our lives would be happier and lighter.
What do you think? I’d love to have your views and any examples or strategies that you might want to share.
Wishing you happiness, openness and connection!

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[i] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

By editor on December 28, 2011 / Personal Development / Leave a comment

Tags: attached, beliefs, leadership, management

Purposeful Creation

How to keep those New Year’s Resolutions!
We all have the power to create what we want in our lives. We can practice purposeful creation every day. The following video sets out some first steps to creating a vision. It sounds vey “new age” but it really works! Its like typing a post code to a SATNAV. You simply type in your vision and start moving. Your inner SATNAV will get you there.

2012 - The Year of Resilience?

With 2011 nearly at an end, I am pondering not on the year that has just past, but on the year ahead and what it might bring.

With recent developments in Europe and a gloomy forecast from the autumn statement; we are facing a year of austerity and economic doom and gloom.   There does not appear to be a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel in sight for some time to come.   Yet despite the grim news, there is appears to be some hope and optimism in the business community.

When I was small, my parents had a part of our garden tarmacked over.  It was a cold and barren solution.  I can still remember my mother’s delight when the spring crocuses pushed through the tarmac to flower year after year.  Whenever I think of our own resilience and ability to shine through adversity, I think of the hardiness of those delicate little flowers.

As communities and businesses, our best bet is to use the time to develop resilience in the face of adversity. It sounds like hard work, but actually it can be our greatest opportunity to grow and strengthen character.  I can remember going through some hard times, and a friend saying to me when I was feeling sorry for myself “Try to think of it like this… its character building”   No sympathy there, then.  But it was of course sound and caring advice from someone who really did give a damn.

I am currently reading a great book called “The Happiness Advantage”   by Shawn Achor.  An author who was Head Teaching Fellow of “Positive Psychology” at Harvard.  In it he describes a number of principles of positive psychology.  One of which is about “Falling up”.  Wherein he describes the psychological process of “Posttraumatic Growth” defined as “positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances”[i]

Achor describes three paths we can take following crisis or adversity.  The first is to end where you start; no change results.  The second path leads to further negative consequences; you end up worse off.  The third path is the one that we should focus on, and that is using the crisis or negative event to grow and emerge “stronger, and more capable than before the fall”[ii].

In my career I have experienced highlights and adversity. I have led teams through downsizing and closure.  My approach was and is, to see the opportunities that emerge through such change. It is easy sometimes when you have developed such character and have been “hard-nosed” through such changes as I have, it is much more of challenge to lead people who haven’t experienced such dramatic change to their working lives through it.  But it can be done.

In one example, I led a team through a change project which ultimately led to the closure of the department.  We knew from day one that there was a big possibility that closure would be the outcome.  In the meantime we had some vital routine work and also ground breaking new projects which had to be delivered.  My task was to keep the team motivated while spiralling towards an ending which looked increasingly unhappy.  I didn’t turn it around so that everyone was tap dancing in the aisles; it was a challenging time for us all.  What I did manage to do was catch the spirit of keeping the team focussed on the skills they were learning and the successes we achieved during that time.

Some of the vital steps me and my management team took with the team were:

• Dealing with the “What if’s” – I didn’t discount fears; I dealt with them head on, and set up an environment for my team to consider their worst fears (mostly these were of redundancy).  I set up forums where they could develop options if the worst happened.  We then kept them focussed on the positive possibilities they had identified.
• Dealing with the uncertainty by imagining a future where we were in the right place, where we would feel as if we gained something positive from the experience.
• Focussed on what was in our control.  The final decision about the future of the team did not rest with us.  What we could do was go down feeling proud of ourselves at a job well done.  And we did.  I held fortnightly “driving up performance” events, and used it both as an update forum as well as critically assessing our performance and successes.
• We recaptured the past.  Each person wrote a resume about their achievements, and we made sure that they were practised at using positive examples for future job opportunities and recognised the great skills they had: Helped them polish up on skills they might need for any future options.  They felt good about what they had achieved.
• I turned the rumour mill around and stressed that speculation was not fact and promised to tell the team the facts as soon as I had them and kept my promise.  Developing trust was essential.  People can cope with bad news, but vitally they also need to be trusted to be able to deal with it.

The whole journey took 10 months from knowing change was coming to the day we were told we were to close.  It wasn’t a great success story in the traditional sense.  A great team had to disperse.  But it was an achievement, whereby everyone was honoured and people learned how to work through adversity and be their best.  It took around 3 months to wind everything down finally.  Everyone got a job.  Another department took some of my team on. I remember feeling so proud when I received a letter from a colleague congratulating me on the standard and skill of the team members.  It had little to do with me.  I just tapped into what was already inside them and helped them make the most of it.

So, when it comes to 2012. Well what will we learn this year?  Lots of “character building” I predict.

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[i] Tedeshi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (2004). Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundation and Empirical Evidence. Philadelphia, PA: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates

[ii] Achor S (2011) The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles that fuel Success and Performance at Work.  New York: Random House Inc.

Santa Claus is real

With Christmas fast approaching, small children across the world will be waiting with excitement and anticipation for the visit from the white bearded icon. The man in the big red suit fills his sack. Swings it brimming with presents up onto the sleigh. Revs up the reindeer and travels all around the world delivering presents in the late hours of Christmas Eve/early hours of Christmas Day. Some children will of course be asking if Santa Claus is real.

I remember being a small child looking out of my bedroom window on Christmas Eve. Watching the stars twinkling, wondering which one was the star of Bethlehem. I waited with anticipation, hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa. I watched intently to see the silhouette of the reindeer and the sleigh whizzing through the sky. I never did see them; but I distinctly remember hearing the bells jingling. Such is the power of imagination.

Fast forward about two or three years, my school mates would declare “There is no Santa” Backing up their claims with the information that their parents had told them so. I didn’t believe them. I loved Santa. I loved Christmas. I remained committed to my belief until one Christmas Eve when the terrible truth dawned. I heard my parents rustling paper, wrapping presents and talking in hushed tones about where the presents should be placed under the tree. In a flash my Christmas world was never to be the same. I realised the truth. Santa did not deliver the presents.

Young as I was, I didn’t feel mad at my parents. I just felt disillusioned. I forgot all about the magic of Santa, and saw the man in the big red suit as a symbol. A tale for children who didn’t know any better to believe in. As I got older, I increasingly saw Santa as a symbol of the commercialism of Christmas.
That was of course until my children were born. I didn’t want to lie to them. But I didn’t want to deprive them that magic of “I believe”. I pondered upon how I should play the whole Santa business. Then I realised the real truth. Santa Claus is real.

I told them Santa would deliver the presents. I even signed some of the presents from Santa Claus. I went the whole hog and told them about the naughty and nice list! They bought it all. They had magical Christmases where they got so excited and happy, I could have cried at the sheer joy and pleasure it gave them.

When they were old enough to understand, I explained to them that although Santa was not a physical man in a big red suit, squeezing himself down chimneys or somehow breaking in (our house didn’t even have a chimney), he was alive and well, in spirit. I told them about St Nicholas, and how Santa got his name. I told them about the kind heartedness of St Nicholas about how he wanted to secretly give gifts to children and that to this day, it is this spirit that is still alive. Parents around the world adopt the spirit of Santa Claus and love giving to their children.

The spirit of Santa Claus and Christmas (notwithstanding any religious beliefs) is loved around the world. That is because it is a time when:
if we are lucky we

• Connect with people we love and focus on them
• Think about what pleasure we can bring to people by giving
• Wish goodwill to all men
• Party!

A few years ago, I read a biography about Nigella Lawson. “The Domestic Goddess”. The author knew Nigella well and often visited her house. I can’t remember much detail about her life story, but one thing that resonated vividly was when the author observed that ” in Nigella’s house it was like Christmas every day”.
I remember thinking that I would love that to be my epitaph. And yet it isn’t impossible, difficult yes. But to remain in that state can be learned. When it gets down to it, whether you believe in Santa or not, it’s all a state of mind. I choose to believe. What about you?

Leadership in the downturn

Following the Chancellor’s autumn speech last week, we are all contemplating the gloomy news, and resigning ourselves to a prolonged period of economic austerity. The forecasted “lost decade”, is going to either be a time of stagnation, or a time of enlightenment.  This is the real Leadership challenge.

Leaders know that this situation demands something else from them, and many leaders will be doing their best to adapt to make sure their business survives, and indeed thrives.   It’s not easy, but it can be done.

A number of years ago, I personally experienced some very hard times.  It was initially a depressing time in my life.  I owed more than I earned, I ended up out of work, and the future looked bleak indeed.

At the time, I was the main breadwinner and I felt that circumstances had conspired to make me fall flat on my face.  I knew that I couldn’t keep doing what I had been doing, and things had to change. What I didn’t know then, and what I came to realise was that which had begun as a monumental disaster, turned out to be the biggest gift life could have handed me.

As I pondered on what had gone so wrong, I wanted to blame everyone and every situation for what had happened.  The truth was that there were some external and some internal factors which had led me to that low point.   What I realised was that blaming or focusing on external factors was getting me absolutely nowhere fast.  My first “light bulb” moment was:

I had to take total responsibility for my experience.   I couldn’t control everything that happened to me.  None of us can.  What we can control is our response to what life throws at us. Focusing on whose fault it was and wanting to point the finger of blame, actually deflects from the energy needed to move beyond the situation.

Secondly, I began to pay attention to my intuition.  Everyone has the ability to tap into their intuition.   I had learned to override my intuition pretty much of the time.  The rot had  begun early in my life,  times when I wanted to be like my peers;  I wanted my relationships to be harmonious, I didn’t want to rock the boat with my parents.  Lots of situations and lots of overriding my own internal truth later, I realised that my own best friend was inside of me.

Once these factors were in place, this was all I needed to begin what I thought would be a slow and torturous journey out of the fix I found myself in.  On the contrary, it has been the most enlightening and exciting of journeys.  It hasn’t all been easy, but it has been transformational.   I went from being broke, dispirited and in despair, to a place where I was financially secure, optimistic and at peace with myself.  The experience has been like replacing the house of straw with a house of bricks, with very solid foundations.  These were the steps I took.

I developed my vision: I pictured what I wanted my life to be like.  I set myself goals for my working life, I set figures for my income, how I would feel about my work and how good I would be at it.  I achieved them all, it took 3 ½ years.

I developed a detailed plan.    The plan included my finances.  I developed a plan to pay off my debts, increase my income and save.  My initial idea was to get out of debt over 7 years.  I did it in 3.  I knew I had to develop certain skills and gain certain experience.   I articulated the detail of what this meant in my plan. I achieved all of my learning goals and I got the job I wanted before I had the qualifications.

I engaged my team.  I realised I needed a support network around me.  This is true whether in a domestic situation as well as in the workplace.  I let my family and my friends know that things had changed, and I got them on board to help me.

I focussed on my successes and goals.  I just didn’t waste time thinking about the reality of the situation I found myself in.  I had faced up to it, identified the gaps between where I was and where I wanted to be, and I concentrated on the journey, not the past.  In the present moment, I chose to be grateful for what I had achieved and all of the help and opportunities which came my way.

I let go of doubts, thoughts and beliefs that were unhelpful.  We simply don’t understand how powerful our minds are.  If you aren’t getting what you want, or you doubt that you are able to reach certain goals, then you create the very resistance that makes it all seem so difficult.

Over the years, I have used this technique in the workplace.  Making sure that all of the steps worked for the teams I led.  The system has delivered some great results.   So for all leaders who may be trying to find a way out of the current situation, there is a way.  It is a somewhat less traditional way; as it primarily harnesses the power of the mind to get you to your destination.  It is like programming your SAT NAV.  If you put in the right post code, you will surely reach your destination. That’s true leadership