Key Interpersonal Skills Successful Leaders Can Learn

The effectiveness or not or some leaders Interpersonal skills often seem to be intrinsically linked to their personality or character. I often wonder if it’s because people think these skills are an unchangeable character trait that they aren’t given the priority they should in organisations. A question I see again and again is: Are soft skills really hard skills? Less than effective personality, or character traits, of leaders, can be viewed as an irrevocable package deal, where changing is difficult, if not impossible, if the belief is that the leader was born with them and cannot be helped. Less than effective traits, are particularly damaging when they affect the leader or manager’s interpersonal skills. If an alien was coming from outer space, surely they would ask us why we put leaders and managers in positions of leading people when they don’t have well-honed interpersonal skills. Seems mad doesn’t it? But it is exactly what we do in many cases. Sometimes it’s because the leader was good at their specialism, or it’s because there’s been a re-organisation and there was nowhere else to go; or perhaps they’ve been in the position for a long time and it’s easier to do nothing, because of the old chestnut “that’s how we do things around here”. It’s not an ideal world and sometimes people are appointed into roles other than for the only reason they should be there, which is because they have all of the skills needed to do the job and therefore are able to make a difference. Recruiting or maintaining roles where leaders or managers don’t have the right interpersonal skills isn’t inherently wrong. Doing nothing about it though is simply neglectful. In Research reported by John Tierney in the New York Times in January, it was shown that generally people don’t believe they will change.  Apparently, much of this belief is adopted because of either a lack of vision of what the future might hold, or from an over-optimistic self-concept that they are the best they are right now. If your organisation has leaders who have character traits which limit their effectiveness, credibility or relationships at work, then perhaps the road less travelled, that soft (hard) skills route, is what is needed. In my own journey from junior manager many years ago, I have changed so much its scary. I look back at those early days and it’s hard to believe it’s the same life. What I did learn on the way though is that interpersonal skills can and should be developed and prioritised in any organisation. The most significant changes came for me when I learned and was able to use the following three interpersonal skills. These were hard lessons for me, and one’s which I had to learn because frankly my default position simply didn’t get the results I wanted, which was a happy, motivated and inspired team. 1.       Anticipating How People Might Feel. I see it all around me, and I still am guilty of lacking in this particular interpersonal skill sometimes. Awareness is no guarantee of change, you have to practice hard to change long formed habits. As leaders, we can be so busy getting things done, as people; we get so caught up in our own story that we forget the impact we are having on others, as parents, we are so busy protecting our children, we forget we can inadvertently invoke feelings of “wrongness”.    When we feel justified communicating with a lack of concern for others who are on the receiving end of what we say, we have lost this skill, when we react with anger to someone who has said something in all innocence, we have lost this skill. When we are fearful, impatient, annoyed, or just being thoughtless, we can communicate in a way which dishonours others. Although some of the characteristics of what we commonly call empathy are in play here, empathy tends to be responsive to others and how they feel already. This interpersonal skill is about our impact on others. 2.       Owning Your Own Truth We make all sorts of stories and assumptions in our minds about what we see out there. I remember a manager in my team, when describing a woman who was borderline in terms of her performance, said she was lazy. I asked him how he had come to that conclusion and he told me it was because she didn’t put as much effort in as others. Well factually that might have been true, but it didn’t necessarily follow that the employee was lazy. Recently, a teacher who didn’t know my son’s background concluded he was lazy because he hadn’t done the work he needed to do in a particular subject, she had drawn her own conclusion about him because she hadn’t actually asked him what the problem was. If the employee doesn’t come into work, is unhappy, doesn’t work hard enough, works 24/7 or always volunteers. We make judgments about them. “They don’t care”, “aren’t engaged”, or they are our “life-savers”, or “paragons of virtue”. The truth is, and the truth we need to own, is we are gathering information constantly, and when we interpret the information it becomes our next instalment. Owning your truth starts with saying. “I can see that this is/isn’t being done. Why is that?” or “I feel really angry, and I need to understand why I can’t deal with this poor performance in an emotionally free, assertive way”. 3.       Seeing through Multi-faceted Perceptions Everyone sees things differently. Even when you think you have reached the most watertight and consensual decision, there will be somewhere a slight difference in perception. Developing the skill of seeing things from many different perspectives can be powerful and effective. In order to do this easily, an understanding of personality types and the characteristics of each type is useful. Once you get good at this, the first two interpersonal skills mentioned above become clearer and difficult to avoid. The truth is, we never know what anyone else is thinking, their reasons for doing (or not doing) anything, what their preferences are, or why we might not agree. All we can do is try to see a situation from as many perspectives as possible. Of course De Bono’s “6 thinking hats” is a version of this although often the concept can be confined to the boardroom, when the skill is useful in most situations. Come find more about Leadership Development and our Great MILE Community (Motivate, Inspire, Lead and Engage).   We love connecting with like-minded people, and we want to help you either get your message out, or you can search the directory for the expertise you need.

Christina has managed people for twenty seven years and led hugely successful teams. She has worked with people at all levels in various organisations to help them achieve their potential, and she has been actively involved in the learning and development field in a number of different roles.

People Discovery is a Leadership Development coaching consultancy, based in North East England, working globally. The MILE Community is a networking, sharing and business directory for people who know “there must be a better way”

By Christina Lattimer

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Motivate Your Team: 6 Tips For Managers

 This article draws to a close my short theme about the most difficult situations managers have to face. In week one I wrote about How to make Managing Poor Performance Easy, week two was about tackling those Difficult conversations and week three about Creating a healthier way of working. Today I write about how to motivate team members.

As a young and inexperienced manager, one of my earliest recollections was a challenge by an equally young and inexperienced member of staff. He was popular and influential and he decided that he was going to make life as difficult as he could for me. With little support from anyone experienced, I pondered my options, and worried that day by day my effectiveness as a manager was being diminished by what felt like, his sabotage. One day my dithering was over when after taking an overly extended and extremely inconvenient lunch break he swanned back into office and when I asked to have a quick word, he swore at me in front of the team. It was a defining moment for me on a number of fronts, the most vital being the consequences of putting off taking decisive action on a team members behaviour well before it reached critical point. Secondly the subsequent events determined a path I was to tread and refine over the years. What happened in that moment was I realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I didn’t harness the commitment and respect of my team. Nor would they work well unless I demanded and expected the best of who they were. Once we got over the formality of the strong warning he received, I decided to be wholly frank and I explained the effect his behaviour was having, and at the same time I also expressed my disappointment that he was selling himself short. I managed to get him to talk about his future and what he wanted and most importantly painted a vivid picture of where his behaviour was headed and asked him if that was what he wanted. Of course he didn’t. His behaviour changed from that day, and we never looked back. It took him about 5 years, and we had long since lost touch, but when I read he had been appointed to the role he had at that time told me he would love to do, I had to smile. Whenever I have interviewed managers and asked what they do to motivate their team, the answer to this question displays a manager’s level of self-awareness and confidence about what makes people tick. Often, great motivators are unconscious of the gifts they have as they are natural people managers, or conversely they have made a conscious decision to develop a good understanding of people, and been open and willing to learn what they have to do to get the best out of their team. If you are a manager and are not sure how to motivate your people, here are 6 practical ways you can improve levels of engagement and increase the commitment and enthusiasm of your team. People are either “towards” or “away” motivated. “Towards” motivated people need to have their own vision for themselves (hopefully linked to the company vision, but not always), and once they have a picture of what they want then they will work hard to achieve that vision. For these people, your job is to help them develop a personal vision within the company. With “away” motivated people, you need to be able to help them articulate what they don’t want, so necessary actions can be taken to move away from these possibilities. These people fear the consequences of not taking appropriate action or making much needed changes. Your job is to help them develop the necessary drivers for change. For example, they may feel motivated because they don’t want to get left behind or their jobs may disappear. People thrive on being able to make decisions and feeling in control. As a manager you can support people by allowing them as much autonomy as you can. The best way is to agree outcome based objectives or goals, without being too prescriptive about “how” outcomes will be achieved. Give your team permission to try different ways and allow them to “fail and learn”. Instead of having team meetings, hold team “problem solving sessions”, or “driving up performance sessions”. Encourage your team members to have a say in how collective issues, problems or challenges are approached and solved. Celebrate success. There is no doubt, what you focus on is what you get. If you continually focus on what goes wrong, then you will encounter more of what goes wrong. By celebrating success both as a team and with individuals, you will find more and more to celebrate. Successes can be a range of things. Encourage team members to note when things are going well and when they feel good about something they have achieved, no matter how small, it may seem. Think, say and act as if you believe the best in your team. Develop a mind-set whereby you believe that people are doing their best and will do better when they know better. Tell people what you appreciate about their contribution, and find ways to internally and externally communicate your belief in them. If things go wrong, then focus on the lessons to be learned, and don’t personalise behaviour. Never expect less than the best, and eventually that is precisely what you will get with your team. When you expect and respond positively to great contribution and good outcomes; mediocre and lack lustre performance, or performers will slowly but surely fade away.

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Christina has managed people for twenty seven years and led hugely successful teams. She has worked with people at all levels in various organisations to help them achieve their potential, and she has been actively involved in the learning and development field in a number of different roles. People Discovery is a Leadership Development coaching consultancy,  based in North East England, working globally. By Christina Lattimer Follow us on  Google+